Its been forever

So I was in a horrible car accident on 5 September 2011. I lost my brother and was in hospital for about 2 months followed by not being able to really move and then having to slowly relearn how to not only be able to walk again, but also how to take care of myself.
I was doing really well before my accident and was slowly reaching my goal weight and size. I lost a lot of weight in hospital and was really happy with the way my body was looking...
However I was released from hospital and sent to live with my parents for a while, who then made me start eating again. Attached with a frontal lobe brain injury...I couldn't stop eating once I started....So now I feel like I am fat again!!
Which is not doing any good for how I feel about myself. It is extremely  hard to be able to not eat or eat when I want...It is even harder to be able to purge if I feel like I have way over done it. Which is almost every day now that I am living back at home.
After everything that I have been through you would think that they would just let me not eat, because I am not hungry...Nope, not in this house!!
I hate it! I was either over weight or fat, when I lived at home at its all starting to repeat itself! I feel like it is really starting to drive me insane! Slowly, but still going insane is not very fun!
I'm trying to go back home soon, so that way I can get back to where I was. I wish I would have come out of hospital and gone back to my house in VA, instead of staying here with my family in Vegas. I think that I would still be skinny or at least wouldn't be this fat again!!
I need help. I need inspiration! I need to get back to being who I am on this inside!!

Today

So I'm in the states now. It's really hard being away from Greg. I cried myself to sleep last night,  as that was the only way I was going to be able to fall asleep without him. I have a full day of house/apartment hunting!! Which should be fun. 

My sponsor picked me up from the airport and the first words out her mouth was are you hungry...I wanted to yell yes, lets get some food, but I remained in control and said NO. Day 2 without a bite to eat! This makes me soo happy. I'm in control again. Ana has found me and hopefully here to stay! Although I feel like my sponsor found my letter to Ana, as she keeps going on about food and getting me something to eat. Does she think I'm that fat and need a constant supply of food going into my body???

That just makes me want to work harder to not eat!

I'm starting to get hungry and the feeling of being completely empty is making me feel great. Working towards Day 2 and feeling in control and powerful! 

Thank you for comments and followers...You are all helping me stay strong. When I start to feel weak I think of all of the posts I read and the people who are following my blog and the comments that I will get when I start to achieve my goals...

Together we will be strong!!

Be safe...Most of all BE HAPPY!!!

Dear Ana....I miss you!

So I'm getting ready to move on Sunday. I am sooo stressed out because of it! My guy and I are starting to fight more and more! I have no idea why I keep pushing him away instead of keeping him close. I do that tho, when things start to get to hard and I get scared I run and hide and if I can't hide then I do things to make that person hate me!

I am so fucking backwards sometimes!!

Every morning I wake up and say: Today, I'm in control!

Every morning I look in the mirror and say: Today I will do everything to make you look better!

Every morning I make a promise to Ana: Today I will please you!! 

Yet by the END of the day....I have not done anything but fail!! 

I'm starting to give up on everything....How can I be so weak, when last week I was so strong! What has changed?

Why am I not in control anymore???

Dear Ana,

Please come back! Please bring me back the strength you once gave to me. I am sorry for upsetting you and making you leave me! I promise if you come back I wont give in. I will be strong I will make you happy!!

Love Always 

-Leanne

To everyone fighting to stay strong...Together we can do anything!! 

Be safe, most of all BE HAPPY!!

Tattoo Thinspiration

I've been looking at tattoo thinspo lately. As I really want a new one!! I've decided I'm not going to get anything new until I reach my 140 goal. 6.5lbs away! That is now my movitavtion to really think about everything I put in my mouth...When I'm feeling weak and give into my lack of control...I have to think about how great my new tattoo will look, when I don't look like a pig in the mirror!!

Here is some tattoo thinspo for us who love inked skin!!

I WANT SOMETHING LIKE THIS!!

Couple Thinspritation

I realized FAT does NOt equal LOVE

Thinspo....A little bit of everything!!