Why can't I be perfect??

So in total I've lost about 20lbs. That makes me sooo HAPPY!! Out of this world happy. People are telling me how good I look and how sexy my collar bones are! My new boyfriend was rubbing on my hip bones and telling me how sexy I am. Oh My God...I'm doing it, I'm reaching my goal!! I love it.

Tell me why it isn't enough...Yes I'm happy! No I'm not happy enough. I'm still not good enough! 

Sometimes I sit and think whats wrong with me, why can't I be happy, why can't I see what everyone else sees... I know, because their stupid or they are just trying to make a fat girl feel good about her self... I look around me and see great bodies and wish I was them, why did I turn out this way?? Why am I not as good as everyone? Why can't I be perfect??

Day 2

Fasting.....

Or should I say fattening.....I did sooo horrible yesterday. I was soo mad at myself, how could I be so weak??? My friend came and got me for lunch and I just couldn't bring myself to say no its OK I already ate, instead I did the worst thing I could to my body and had waffle fries and some of his Gyro, then I came home and my room mate got pizza and milk shakes....At that moment I realized God hates me!! So needless to say I spent the whole afternoon then again at night purging...Not proud of myself. Why didn't I have the strength to stick to my plan. Its sooo easy to maintain control when I'm alone or its the weekend, but for some reason during the week is harder, mainly due to work lunches...Why God Why

I couldn't even POST yesterday, I was soo disappointed with myself and can't imagine how the world sees me now. Yes I can! I can see everyone standing around pointing at me, whispering, "Yeah, that's her, the FAT one...No self control, why do you think her husband hates her. "Ewww, gross....Did you see her thighs" "Just the sight of her makes me feel sick!"........As the whispering continues...

So last night/this morning laying in bed thinking about my failure....Only makes me try that much harder today!!

I read everyone's posts wishing I was them. Seeing their weight, their waist size....

What did I do that was so wrong?????

WILL BE STRONGER TOMORROW, WILL NOT GIVE IN TO FOOD!

DAY 1 TAKE 2...STARTS TOMORROW!!! 5 Days I can do this =)

Day 1

Fasting....
It has been a very hard LONG day...But it's almost over. That is if I could get to sleep sometime soon.
There were so many moments I almost succumbed to defeat. I made it though the day and I feel so much stronger for that. Not one bite. Lost of water and cigarettes!! However I did have one soda which saddens me...I'm still super weak!
I'm going to continue to fast for the next 4 days a 5 day fast. I can do it! I hope so anyway. Control is my battle-Which I lose everyday. I have no control of myself nor my life. But I will be thin, I will be loved. I will not let food beat me like everyone else does.
Reading the blogs and posts from everyone helps me stay strong. Knowing that for once in my life I'm not alone in this helps me more than I can put into words.
I will be strong for the next 4 days...Knowing your out there reading this....Reading what your going through...Gives me strength.
With every pound that comes off is one step closer to my goal. Every bite not taken is one bite closer to love.

My husband no longer loves me.

Because I'm fat.......

I can't control if he takes me back, but I can control what goes in my mouth. I can make sure the next time I fall in love I will be skinny and my love will love me back.

I was stupid to believe that fat people could be loved

What happened??

I don't know what happened to us. One day we were happier than I thought was possible, then the next moment it all disappeared...You disappeared, you changed...It was all your fault! What to do...I tried...I did everything I could to make us work. The days passed and I slowly stopped trying. More and more days between calls. No longer putting you before anything at all. 

At some point between all of this, I had dinner with him. He was everything I wanted you to be. 

Actually he wasn't what I wanted you to be, you were what I wanted you to be. He was just WHERE I wanted you to be. You never came to see me. WHY???? What was wrong with me??? You wanted to marry me since the day we met, you did everything to make me love you and when I said I DO....You stopped. Our jobs kept us apart....Our stupidity keeps it that way. I don't  know how he took my attention away from you, but he did. He filled my mind with thought of how it should be and what I really needed and deserved. All the things that you weren't giving me he gave me. Or so I thought....

What is wrong with me??? Why can't you love me the way you did, the way I want you to??

I look in the mirror everyday and see whats wrong. Every imperfection, and there are millions. I stand there for hours looking at every detail, every flaw, the millions of dimples all over my legs. I understand now, why you can't love me. If I was only normal, if only I was beautiful. 

I'm trying to hard to become perfect for you again...One day you will love me the way you used to. Maybe one day I will love myself the way I used to.....

One day I'll be thin.

Right now.

For the past 7 days I've done nothing, but cry. I come home from work take my uniform off, get into bed and cry. I feel like my world has turned upside down. I am completely out of control of everything!! I mean everything.
I'm sick and they don't know why. I've been in pain for months, random symptoms, but the most constant of them has been pain...and they have no idea whats wrong. I was booked in to have surgery and it got put on hold so I could be brought back to this hell hold and tormented!!
My career choice has left me more out of control that a convict in prison.
The only thing I have left to control is my food. It all started with out realizing, I thought it was just another symptom of what is wrong....Not the case, well it may have started out that way....Now, its different....This I can control. This is the best/worst drug I've ever had...and I've had some crazy times!! The surge I get from being in control of when I eat and how much and if it stays inside me, is amazing. I love it! However with all drugs it does have a come down and I think this drug (food control) has the worst come down in the world!! Now when I eat....it hurts, but in a way that you would never be able to understand unless you have felt it. The only way I know to rid myself of this pain is to get it out of me, the food that is. Although there are times, where it is not always possible and that is the moment my world crumbles again....